[Part 4] negative self-image, body dysmorphia, and battling feelings of unworthiness

At this point in my story, I want to let you know that everything gets better. I had perceptions that people thought less of me than they actually did. I had that perception myself, actually. Unfortunately, in addition to not finding accepting communities of faith, most of the places I knew that I could be myself were places like gay clubs. I have no problem with those, and, in fact, I have a lot of fun with them. I love dancing! However, like any clubs, there tends to be a lot of sexual aggression and a lot of drugs there. (Okay, maybe I do have two problems with them.) I didn’t find leaders or mentors, people to make me feel like I was fine the way I was—wholesome and gay simultaneously, or at least trying to be.

At the same time, I was sent on a conference with an ex-gay ministry. Interestingly enough, although I disagreed with their entire thesis, I felt a sense of belonging there, because they were some of the first people who accepted me both for being Christian and for being gay (even though they would have referred to it as, “same-sex-attracted,” and told me not to “act” on it).

I graduated from college and then went to divinity school. I was honestly a little surprised, even with how progressive mine was, with being accepted for both of these huge parts of my being. Somehow, I didn’t find a denomination through the entire experience that I felt I could be completely myself and worship intentionally, fully, and authentically.

When I found what was then Holy Trinity Community Church, my boyfriend at the time, now my husband, and I had just been subtly reprimanded at another congregation for having too much public affection. I walked in and saw the speaker for that day leaning against their partner’s shoulder in the front row in full liturgical garb. I knew quickly I could be myself. My boyfriend introduced me to the pastor another Sunday, suggesting more audaciously than I probably would have, that I could fill in for preaching opportunities. I really didn’t expect to be given that chance. Not only did I get to fill in, but the pastor suggested that I attend UCC events and get plugged in with the denomination.

At that point in my life, I still felt like a small child attempting to wear his dad’s suit, swimming in too much pressure and fabric: I felt that I was “pretending” to have the qualifications that I had truly earned. At several points in my journey toward ordination, I had leaders in the UCC telling me that I was good enough. No, that’s not big enough. They told me that I was absolutely made for this! Yes, there were a couple strong dissenters. And I paid much more attention to these at the time than those who were on my side. But if video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you are encountering enemies, you are going the right way!

I have been given opportunities at the conference level with our denomination. I have people who believe in me. I have mentors. And I don’t have to call myself “same-sex attracted” instead of "gay" in order to have them. (And for the record, if you believe differently than me and call yourself SSA, you are still welcome at Circle, just so you know.)

This is what encouragement and community do to you. I feel affirmed in who I am. I feel loved for who I am.

For the first time, I look in the mirror, or I look at my resume, and I’m no longer pretending to be someone good enough. I realize that that boy who couldn’t throw a football but could throw a tantrum on stage was absolutely beautiful the way he was. That teenager starving himself and then gorging himself while spending endless hours in the gym was man enough.

Or honestly, woman enough in some ways. Whatever balance of stereotypically masculine and feminine I am is just fine! Same with you!

The images we see of ourselves are frequently inaccurate in our own minds.

I wish that I could hold every single one of you in my community and tell you that all the things you are insecure about are complete malarkey. (Thanks for the alternative word, Joe Biden. We all know what word I wanted to say.) Some of you haven’t been around enough people who love you, who nurture you, who see the vision of who you are trying to be and tell you that you already are that good person! It breaks my heart to see people who are as good as you are and can’t believe it. I have absolutely been there.

That brings me back to the beginning of this blog. None of you are alone in this. Maybe it looks like you are alone because you don’t look like a “real man” or a "real woman" to people who assert the importance of their approval in your life. Whoever those people are probably feel as inadequate, immature, and insecure as I did. So many of us are trying to prove ourselves. Most of the people in your life whose approval is worth getting are the people who won’t ask you to prove yourself to them.

-Rev. Gavin Warren, Pastor

Please continue in part 5 of this blog series