A Better Way Through Conflict

Aaron Bostwick
Jan 16
4 min read

Patience That Returns to Truth

Remember this, my dear siblings: be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to anger; for God’s justice is never served by our anger." James 1:19–20 –The Inclusive Bible (TIB)

Conflict is not a failure of faith. It is a condition of relationship.

From the very beginning of Scripture, God works not with perfect people, but with people who misunderstand one anoth

er, speak too quickly, assume wrongly, and react out of fear. The question is not whether conflict will arise, but how we choose to walk through it.

Christian wisdom has always affirmed restraint. Scripture repeatedly warns against rash speech and uncontrolled anger. Yet restraint in the biblical sense is never silence for its own sake. It is discipline with purpose. Patience that leads somewhere. Stillness that prepares the heart for truth.

The danger comes when patience becomes avoidance, or when spirituality is used to delay honesty rather than deepen it.

True Christlike restraint does not bury conflict. It transforms it.

A Biblical Story of Regulated Confrontation

David, Abigail, and Nabal (1 Samuel 25)

David was furious. Insulted by Nabal and denied hospitality, he prepared to respond with violence. His anger felt justified. His power was real. His reaction was immediate.

Then Abigail intervened.

She did not dismiss David’s anger, nor did she match it. She approached him calmly, named the situation clearly, and appealed to his character rather than his rage. She created space for David to pause before acting, not so the conflict would disappear, but so it could be handled rightly.

Scripture tells us that David stopped, listened, and later thanked Abigail for preventing him from acting in anger.

This story shows us something essential:

Pausing prevented destruction.
Speaking clearly prevented resentment.
Returning to the issue prevented injustice.

Biblical patience is not passive. It is purposeful delay in service of righteousness.

What Wisdom Looks Like in Practice

Christian restraint aligns closely with what modern psychology calls emotional regulation, not suppression.

Research consistently shows that when people are emotionally overwhelmed, productive conflict becomes nearly impossible. Heart rate rises, stress hormones increase, and our ability to listen and empathize sharply declines. Dr. John Gottman’s research on marriage shows that couples who take time to calm down before engaging in conflict are significantly more likely to resolve it well, as long as they return to the conversation afterward.

This echoes Proverbs 29:11:

"Fools vent their anger openly and loudly; the wise keep themselves under control." (TIB)

However, Gottman also identifies chronic avoidance and stonewalling as predictors of relational breakdown. Waiting without returning creates distance, not peace.

Scripture agrees. Jesus teaches direct, timely reconciliation in Matthew 18:15:

“If your sibling should commit some wrong against you, go and point out the error, but keep it between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won a loved one back;" (TIB)

Notice the balance:

Do not explode.
Do not disappear.
Go, speak, repair.

Guardrails for Faithful Conflict

A Christ-centered approach to conflict includes all of the following:

1. Pause to regulate, not to escape

Take time to cool down so anger does not lead. This may be minutes or hours, sometimes a day. It should include a clear intention to return.

2. Return with clarity and humility

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26:

"When you get angry, don’t let it become a sin. Don’t let the sun set on your anger, " (TIB)

Anger is acknowledged, not condemned. But it must be addressed.

3. Speak truth without aggression

Ephesians 4:15 calls us to “speak the truth in love.” Love without truth breeds resentment. Truth without love breeds fear.

4. Share responsibility

Healthy reconciliation requires accountability from all parties. Patience does not mean tolerating disrespect or absorbing harm in silence.

5. Seek restoration, not victory

Romans 12:18 reminds us, “Do all you can to be at peace with everyone."- (TIB) Peace is not winning. Peace is repair.

A Word of Caution for the Faithful

Spiritual language can unintentionally mask unhealthy patterns.

Phrases like “I’m just giving this to God” or “I’m choosing peace” become harmful when they replace honest communication. God does not ask us to bypass truth. God invites us to bring truth into the light.

Jesus himself models this balance. He withdraws to pray when emotions run high, and he returns to speak plainly, even when it costs him.

A Prayer for Wise Confrontation

God of truth and peace,

Teach us to pause when our anger is loud,

But not to hide when truth is needed.

Give us the courage to return to hard conversations

With steady hearts and honest words.

Shape our restraint into love,

And our love into repair.

Amen.

Share in the comments -> "How do you usually respond when conflict first shows up, and what helps you pause before responding?"

Sources and Evidence-Based Support

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Findings show that physiological calming before conflict improves outcomes, while chronic avoidance predicts relational decline.
Gross, J. J. (1998). “The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation.” Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.
Differentiates healthy emotional regulation from suppression, showing long-term costs of avoidance.
Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). “What Type of Communication During Conflict Is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?” Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.
Demonstrates that constructive, timely engagement predicts relational health.

These findings reinforce what Scripture has long taught: wisdom is neither impulsive nor silent. It is patient, truthful, and committed to restoration.